Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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