Please don't use social media to get back at me.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
