Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
