sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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