You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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