dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
