I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
