but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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