I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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