She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
