i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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