those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
