Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
