you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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