I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
jump out the window naked night went bad
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
