Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
