I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
