I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
