She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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