i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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