If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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