i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
