This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
