i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
