Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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