Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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