I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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