Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
