Well apparently he's into motor boating.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
