I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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