i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
