I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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