I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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