the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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