This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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