The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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