im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
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