Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Randomize
