There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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