You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Acid is not a monday night drug
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
