have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
