3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
