My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
