he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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