Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
