Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
