So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
