I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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