the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
All I want is dick and wine.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
