I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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